Desperately Seeking Self-Improvement by Carl Cederström

Author:Carl Cederström
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: Humor
Publisher: OR Books
Published: 2017-11-13T16:00:00+00:00

Carl, June 22

After an unsuccessful second attempt to use the prostate vibrator, an experience that felt more like self-rape than self-love, I returned to the upmarket sex shop. I was happy to find my friend there. I started telling her about my reluctance to use the vibrator. She said it usually took some time to get used to. I told her I was planning to try something else, maybe a Fleshlight.

Since it was invented in 1998, more than four million Fleshlights have been sold, and 45 percent of purchasers were repeat buyers. On the official website, the Fleshlight was described as the “#1 male sex toy” providing “the most realistic intercourse simulation known to man.”

“You should try one of these,” she said, and took out a transparent version. “It’s really cool, because you can see yourself when you’re inside it.”

I didn’t like the sound of that. What could be more repulsive than watching myself sliding in and out of a transparent plastic tube? But I followed her advice and bought the device. I cycled back home, and went straight into the bathroom. It was a big slimy thing, placed inside a cylinder-shaped cage. I took out the slimy part, and weighed it in my hand. It was moist and sticky, like a jellyfish.

I read through the instructions carefully and filled it up with hot water, which was supposed to give it a more natural feel. Then I went into the bedroom and got myself into the right mood, added lubricant, first on me and then on my new device, before connecting myself with the slime. I was on my back with a big plastic tube on my penis sticking straight up into the air. I could only imagine how ridiculous I looked.

I followed the sex shop woman’s advice and glanced down at myself. But all I could see through the thick plastic was some blurred flesh. It didn’t help me understand my pleasure. I looked up again and stared into the computer screen, pretending I didn’t exist. It was beginning to feel nice and warm, and I could see why it had become a hit.

And then, when it was all over, the shame arrived with remarkable force. As I walked into the bathroom again, my heart sank. I felt disgusting. I took out the slimy jellyfish from the container and opened the artificial labia with my fingers, placed it under the tap, and flushed hot water through the pipe. I drowned it in cleaning alcohol, flushed some more, then left it on the washbasin to dry. An hour later I came back, patted powder on the opening, put it back in the plastic cage and the box, and finally put it into a bag, which I hid in the wardrobe.

Download

Copyright Disclaimer:
This site does not store any files on its server. We only index and link to content provided by other sites. Please contact the content providers to delete copyright contents if any and email us, we'll remove relevant links or contents immediately.